She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
