yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
