The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
