I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
