How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
