Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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