Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
