Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
