if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
