apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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