Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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