I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We smell like vodka and hangover
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