i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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