if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
