My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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