Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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