The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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