I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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