i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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