I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No subtext here. People are naked.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
