He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
