Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize