i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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