Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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