Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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