saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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