dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
