I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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