I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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