Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize