All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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