TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
