drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
