the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
either way he was missing a nipple.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
