she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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