I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
