Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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