If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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