Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
