pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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