On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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