So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
