I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
