i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dear god my vagina.
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