let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
