so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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