She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
