I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
