Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
