fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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