She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
