omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
