I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize