My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
