nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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