his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
