I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
