We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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