went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
