Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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