i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
