we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
